How to unstick the stuck

I’ve been trying to fulfill this…if I were to gauge how much I have, I’m looking at 40%. 40% I do what I love. I’ve ran a few 5k.  I workout 5-6 days a week.  I’ve competed in Crossfit.  I’ve explored some local spots.  I’ve planted. I’ve eaten. I’ve sipped.   But that’s only 40% of my happiness. 

I am currently off of work for about 5 days. Some days were planned, others were not. But in these 5 days, I’ve experienced many things that I would have never experienced if I had been ‘stuck’ at work. (Yes, I consider being there stuck. I am completely unfulfilled by my job.) I heard and saw birds I have never seen nor heard before and don’t even know the names of. I experienced happiness, stillness. I felt the presence of the ‘now’. 

I recognize my lack of happiness within my personal life and career. That’s the missing 60% of my life. The career holds me back. I have to work so many hours to make enough to afford life.  My home holds me back because I have to pay so much to live here, so I have to work as much as possible to afford rent. I can’t afford to move on in my life, though I’ve reduced all frivolous and unnecessary spending.  I wait for a blessing. A sign. A hand waving me in another direction, welcoming me to my next stage, while I continue to work away my days…

And become another day closer to death. 

I’m not a fan of being negative at any level in my life. These few days has solidified my feelings and if anyone out there has had any experience with this vicious circle of spinning your wheels in the mud, I’d love to hear how you’ve found your way out. 

Punk rock revival

Henry Rollins. I have always had a serious fantasy land crush on this man since the day I first heard Black Flag in the late 80’s. Last night I was extremely lucky to be part of a sold out crowd of his current tour. Fucking brilliant…as I already knew. I was blown away by his philosophies, how he conducts himself; he just solidified everything I believe in. Gave me hope that there is hope for humankind. There is still humanity in this world. 

It’s so hard to be charged to the hilt with your beliefs and to play them out everyday. We all, myself included, become such GD sheep. I see through the Man’s plan, so I fight against it, yet there is so much more I can be doing. Stop being so resistant sheep. Stop and think for yourself. 

Henry was right. We are complacent. Apathetic. Egotistical, hating, racists, homophobic, fucking sheep. I have been watching this for a long time. When someone screams it in your face reminding you of it, somehow it hits like a ton of bricks. So what to do? For me I need to do more of what I said I was going to do. Be more human

I’ve been brought back to not only my childhood roots, but to all the knowledge I’ve gained since then. Now to find the voice, the energy, the avenue, the context to be that better person. 

Be more human. 

Minimally eight and a half months 


Recently I’ve been looking around my home, realizing the impact of adopting a minimalist lifestyle. I am much happier, less stressed, and feel lighter. My home has been slowly whittled away to essentials and then some. I have more work to do. More tasks, more whittling. 

At first it was a rapid process with so much so obviously unnecessary. I don’t know why I felt the need to have so many linens, bottles of crappy chemical based hair products, and underwear!!!! If it was on sale, I bought it. I might need it or it was too good of a bargain to pass up. Every now and again I catch myself thinking I might need it. I remind myself just how much I won’t. I’ve had people say I have great willpower, I can’t say it’s willpower; it’s more being logical and having a clear definition of how I want to live.

There is a long history of a poor relationship between food and myself. Long. Not only that but my life and food intake was depicted and dominated by how much it weighed, how many grams of protein, fat, or carbs I was eating. I weighed and logged 99% of what I put into my mouth.  Making sure I ate four to five times a day.  I was a slave food and to the food scale.  I loved bodybuilding but this part of the lifestyle had to go.  January 1st I gave it up. September 1st I let go of just eating because it was ‘time’ to eat. Now I try to eat just when I’m hungry.  

As part of minimalism, consuming less commercially made products is on my list of goals. Less to zero single use items, less packaging, less toxins, less waste.  No more lotions, hair products coconut oil works great. Lush brand shampoo bar and conditioner or baking soda and apple cider vinegar. Making my own laundry detergent and toothpaste, reduced the amount of commercial deodorants -I’m an athlete and until I find something that works for my workouts…

The amount of simplicity I have found, from cleaning to cooking to enjoying life and all of its little moments, it has been abundantly gratifying. Letting go of things and ideas of how you thought it was supposed to be is unbelievable and freeing. The next few months should be interesting as we head into cooler and colder temperatures, keeping up the ideals in spite of the dark, dreary, dull dats. 

Time best spent as a humanitarian over an employee 

I went back and read over some of my previous WordPress posts. I see that I have made progress and change in my life over the last eight months. It made me feel really good.  I have been so focused on what I can’t do because of money, swollowing up all the changes I had made, inspite of not having money to spend outside of basic needs and housing.  

I could work day and night to increase my financial abilities and not be living the life we are blessed to have. I’ve worked fifty to sixty hours a week. I worked so much I never saw my child, I ended up so anemic my thyroid shut down. Albeit I was vegan at the time, but was so run down, emotionally, physically. I am unwilling to go back down that road. It’s not that I’m not willing to work hard, I do work hard. Forty five hours of my week are dedicated to working for someone else. 

I’ve been practically no where. I’ve done practically nothing. I just got my first passport, still empty. I want to be able to have stories to tell about my life, to grandchildren, nieces and nephews, the world. I want to give back to the world, I don’t have much by myself and I know I can do plenty of things with that.  And in doing these things, inspire others to live their life, to give back, to do more. 

Currently have two important to me events on the same day I’m working to raise money to do and to donate more on top of myself. A four mile steeple run for hunger and beach clean up through the Ocean Conservatory. September 17,2016. 

My Patreon account

Finding life’s riches

It’s an uphill battle. All of it. Love. Life. Day to day. Finding what you love and doing it. None of it’s easy and there’s no instruction manual. I’m the kind of person who just kind of flies by ther seat of their pants. Not because I’m blessed with the resources to do so, nope, quite the opposite. My resources are few and hard to come by.  Everything I want and need to do need to be given months to get it done, strategic planning, with many fall backs included. 

I wish nothing more to reduce the things that own me. But there is no way to completely disown everything. I will always be owned by something. We all will. An abode of sorts, vehicles, pets, children, clothing, heirlooms, daily ‘necessities’. I feel like I am at a point in my life I’d like to be without more than I’m with. Of course, there are some serious exceptions for me. My beautiful daughter (who is grown), I will never be without a dog by my side. When I say I want to be without its the belongings. I don’t need all the cups and mugs and plates and clothes. Especially if that means I can live where and how I want. 

Now the journey to get myself there is the perplexingly complicated task at hand. Shouldn’t be so complex I suppose. But it is for me…am I making it more complex than it needs to be? I am ready go find out. I have 2-3 months to get it all thought through and put into motion. Two to three months is my goal. My eyes are on the prize. Just how to get there what is my path my plan where to find the financial means to do it. In the meantime I need to quench my soul. My soul feels lost right now. Is it I just need the love of my life to help me squash this unrest? Is it I just need to see progress in my new direction? I need something and I can’t put my finger on it. 

Finally…summer


My favorite time of year, summer. My soul is unsettled in the times of cold, dark days. I think I could be just fine with the dark as long as it is warm out. This is my purpose for 2016-to get out of the cold AND dark weather, find my way to warmer regions. 

With great purpose I have been busy. Not the kind of busy that is less than enjoyable, dutiful, humdrum.  No. It’s been days and evenings of checking things off my list of things to do here in New England. Hikes, aquarium, national monuments, getting my hands dirty on the property I live on with no great hurry or deadline like I’ve kept in the past. 

Speaking of hurry, what a mental and physical difference it has made since I’ve allowed myself more freedoms. Free of all the belongings that held me down, all the hurried to-dos, the have to-dos are narrowed down, I have put less of a timeline on the little things. It’s not that I’m lazy, or that I’m looking for an easy road, it’s that I’m looking to enjoy life. 

When I woke up one day and realized I was almost 40, my only child is 19, I’ve gone no where, seen nothing, I’m doing too much for little return. I’m stressed out. I lost one of the most important people I’ve had in my life to date, the love of my life. 

I haven’t come across any negative effects of living this way, although the it has only been a few months.  Maybe I’ll find something. Maybe I won’t. I’m using a list of three things a day I need to get done, get to the post, fill the car gas tank, grab some avocados. Simplicity. Breathing. Enjoying the moment. I highly recommend it. 

Let it go

The last four months I’ve realized that there are things I just have to let go to get ahead. The first thing was I gave up was my food scale. For the last ten years of my life, I’ve weighed nearly every little morsel that I put into my mouth. I logged it into an App on my phone. Every carrot, salad, piece of chicken…all accounted for. I gave it up January 1st when I began the Whole 30 diet. It was hard at first, it was such a routine to weigh my food. This was one of the best things I could have done to start the year. I was being robbed of time, robbed of my self worth, confidence, and so many intangible things. 

Over the last eleven years I’ve practically lived at the gym, trying to attain the muscular female physique like my favorite athletes I follow on Instagram. What I perceive as attractive. I still find it highly attractive, but as of August 2015, I’ve given up (finally) my wanting to compete as a physique or strength athlete. What benefit would it serve me? None. No financial gains, no awesome new job, no cool new place to call home. I wouldn’t be provided any of the things I wanted or needed in life. So now I go to the gym three days instead of five to six and instead of trying to squat 275 I just try to keep my muscular shape while training for function. Now that the weather has been warmer, I’ve been enjoying hikes with the dogs and fishing instead for exercise. 

It doesn’t end there. I’ve sold or boxed up about 50-60% of my home, all the things I do not use or need. I have less things to clean, move, walk around. It has made me feel so light. I spend less money on useless crap. I eat more consciously, only buy what I need from the grocery store.  No stockpiling in my pantry or freezer. 
I regret none of it. I don’t regret selling or giving away one thing. I’m moving toward a different future. One where I enjoy life more instead of being stressed about things and money. A simpler way of life. It will take me a while to get there, but in four months I feel like I’ve made good progress. 

With letting go of some of these things, I’ve gained dietary freedom and has further allowed me to minimize my household by eating those things in the pantry that were “too high in carbs” per my old way of eating. I don’t worry about how many meals I eat a day, how many hours since my last meal, or carrying food with me everywhere I go so I don’t miss a meal. I’ve found the time to walk and hike with my dogs more. The time to learn how to fish again. The money to buy the necessities and fix my vehicle. I feel more at peace with myself. I feel like my goals ARE attainable. All these years I just never knew how to approach it. Turns out I was being held down by to many things.